The One With the Candy Hearts
I'm tellin' you Ross, she wants you.
She barely knows me.We just live in the same building.
Any contact?
She lent me an egg once.
You're in!
Aw, right.
Hi, Ross.
Hey.
Come on, Ross, you gotta get back in the game here, ok?The Rachelthing's not happening, your ex-wife is a lesbian—I don't think we need a third
Excuse me, could we get an egg over here, still in the shell?
Thanks. An egg?
Yeah, you're gonna go up to her and say, "Here's your egg back, I'mreturning your egg."
I think it's winning.
I think it's insane.
She'll love it.
Go with the egg, my friend.
Think it'll work?No, it's suicide. The man's got an egg.
You can not do this.
Do what, do what?
Roger wants to take her out tomorrow night.No!
Phoebes! Don't you remember why you dumped the guy?
'Cause he was creepy, and mean, and a little frightening alright,still, it's nice to have a date on Valentine's Day!
But Phoebe, you can go out with a creepy guy any night of the year.
I know I do.
Well, what are you guys doing tomorrow night?
Actually, tomorrow night kinda depends on how tonight goes.
Oh, uh, listen, about tonight...No, no, no, don't you dare bail on me.
The only reason she's goin' outwith me is because I said I could bring a friend for her friend.
Yes, I know, but her friend sounds like such a
Pathetic mess?I know, but—come on, man, she's needy, she'svulnerable.
I'm thinkin', cha-ching!
Thanks.
Look, you have not been out with a woman since Janice. You're doin'this.
Hi. She said yes.Yes!
Way to go, man!
Still got the egg, huh?
How do I look?Oh, uh, I don't...care.
Ok, now, remember,no trading.
You get the pretty one, I get the mess.
Hi, Joey.
Well well, look what you brought. Very nice.
...And what did you bring?
She's checking the coats.
Joey, I'm gonna go wash the cab smell off my hands.
Will you get me a white Zinfandel, and a glass of red for Janice.
Janice?
Oh.... my.... God.
Hey, it's Janice.
Ok, I'm makin' a break for it, I'm goin' out the window.
No, no, no, don't!
I've been waitin' for like, forever to go out withLorraine. Just calm down.
Calm down?Calm down? You set me up with the woman that I've dumpedtwice in the last five months!
Can you stop yellin'?You're makin' me nervous, and
I can't go when I'm nervous.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you're right.
Come on, do it, do it, go, come on!!!
Ok, ok, Roger was creepy, but he was nothing compared to Pete Carney.
Which one was Pete Carney?
Pete the Weeper?
Remember that guy who used to cry every time we hadsex. "Was it good for you?"
Yeah, well, I'll take a little crying any day overHoward-the-"I-win"-guy."I win! I win!"
I went out withthe guy for two months—I didn't get to win once.
How did we end up with these jerks?
We're good people!I don't know.
Maybe we're some kinda magnets.I know I am.
That's why I can't wear a digital watch.
There's more beer, right?
Oh!
You know my friend Abby who shaves her head?
She said that if youwant to break the bad boyfriend cycle,
you can do like a cleansing ritual.
Pheebes, this woman is voluntarily bald.
Yeah.
So, we can do it tomorrow night, you guys.
It's Valentine's Day.It's perfect.
Ok, well, what kind of ritual?Ok.
We can, um, we can burn the stuff they gave us.
Or?
Or, or we can chant and dance around naked,you know, with sticks.
Burning's good.Burning's good.
Yeah, I got stuff to burn.
You know, ever since I was little,I've been able to pick up quarters with my toes.
Good for you.
Uh, quarters or rolls of quarters?
By the way, Chandler.I cut you out of all my pictures.So if you want,I have a bag with just your heads.
That's OK.
Oh, are you sure?Really? Because you know, you could make littlepuppets out of them, and you could use them in your theater of cruelty.
We can't do that.
What? What can't you do?
Uh, can I talk to you for a second, over there?
Uh, we might be leaving now.
Tell me it's "you and me" we.
She said she wants to slather my body with stuff and then lick it off.
I'm not even sure what slathering is, but I definitely want to be a part of it.
Ok, you can not do this to me.
You're right, I'm sorry. You're right.
Uh, can we have three chocolate mousses to go please?
I'm outta here.
Here's my credit card. Dinner's on me. I'm sorry,Chandler.
I hope she throws up on you.So...
Just us.
Oh, what a crappy night!
Although, I have enjoyed the fact that,uh your shirt's been stickin'outta your zipper eversince you came back from the bathroom.
Excuse me.
How ya doin'?
So, do we have the best friends or what?
Joey's not a friend.
He's a stupid man who left us his credit card.
Another drink?
Some dessert? A big screen TV?
I will go for that drink.
You got it. Good woman!
Could we get a bottle of your most overpriced champagne?
Each.
That's right, each.
Oh, and a uh Rob Roy. I've alwayswanted to know...
Happy Valentine's Day!
Oh, I miss you already.
Can you believe this happened?
No no!
And yet it did.
Good-bye, Janice.
Kiss me!
Oh, Chandler, sorry.Ohhh, Chandler, sorry!Hey, Janice.
Hi, Monica.
Ok, well, this was very special.
Rach, come see who's out here!
Oh my god. Janice, hi!
Janice is gonna go away now.
I'll be right back.
Oh, Joey, look who it is.
Whoa.
Oh, good, Joey's home now.
This is so fun.This is like a reunion in the hall.
Oh, hi, Ross.Yeah. There's someone I want you to say hi to.
He just happened to call.
Hi, Ross.
Yes, it's me. How did you know?
I'm just sayin' if dogs do experience jet lag, then,
because of the whole um, seven dog years to one human year thing,
then, when a dog flies from New York to Los Angeles,
he doesn't just lose three hours, he loses like a week and a half.
That's funny.
Who are they?
The blond woman is my ex-wife,and the woman touching her is her close,personal friend.
You mean they're lovers.
If you wanna put a label on it.
Wow, uh, anything else I should know?
Nope, nope, that's it.
Oh, and she's pregnant with my baby.
I always forget that part. Helloo!
Ok, so now we need, um sage branches and the sacramental wine.
All I have is, is oregano and a Fresca.
Um, that's ok!Ok.
All right. Now we need the semenof a righteous man.
Ok, Pheebs, you know what, if we had that,we wouldn't be doing the ritual in the first place.
Can we just start throwing things in?
Ok, yeah, ok. Oh, OK.
Ok, Barry's letters.
Adam Ritter's boxer shorts.
Ok, and I have the, uh receipt for my dinner with Nokululu Oon Ah Ah.
Look, here's a picture of Scotty Jared naked.
Hey he's wearing a sweater.
No.
Eww!
And here we have the last of Paulo's grappa.
Hey, Rachel, isn't that stuff almost pure
How can I dump this woman on Valentine's day?
I don't know.You dumped her on New Year's.
Oh, man.In my next life, I'm coming back as a toilet brush.
Hello, funny Valentine.
Hi, Just Janice.
Hello, Joey, our little matchmaker.
I could just kiss you all over, andI'm gonna!
If you don't do it, I will.
So, um, what do you do for a living?
Well, um, for the past few years I've been working
Oh no.
I thought you said they could shoot the spot without you.
I thought they couldI'll try to get back as soon as I can.
I'm sorry.
which is funny because, that wasn't even my major.
Now that is funny.
Hey, do you thinkwould it be too weird if I invitedCarol over to join us?
'Cause she's, she's alone now, and pregnant, and, and sad.
I guess.
Are you sure?Great.Carol? Wanna come over and join us?
Oh, no no no. I'm fine. I'm fine.Come on.
These people'll scooch down. You guys'll scooch, won't you?
Let's try scooching!Come on.
Come on. Uh, Kristen Riggs, this is Carol Willick. Carol, Kristin.
Uh, Carol teaches sixth grade.
And, Kristin, Kristindoes something that,
funnily enough, wasn't even her major!
What do we got there?
boxer shorts, greeting cards, and whatlooks like a half-charred picture!Wow, that guy's hairier than the Chief!
You know, it's a really funny story how this happened.
It's all right.It's all right. You don't have to explain.
This isn't the first boyfriend bonfire that we've seen get out of control.
You're our third call tonight.
Really?
Oh, sure, Valentine's is our busiest night of the year.
I brought you something.
Is it loaded?
Oh, little candy hearts.
Chan andJan Forever.
I had them made special.
Ok, Janice.
Janice. Hey, Janice.
Look, there's no way for me to tell you this.
At least there's no new way for me to tell you this.
I just don't think things are gonna work out.
That's fine.
It is?Mmm-hmm.
Because I know that this isn't the end.
Oh no, you see, actually it is.
No, it isn't, because you won't let that happen.Don't you know it yet?
You love me, Chandler Bing.
Oh, no I don't.
Well then ask yourself this.Why do you think we keep ending uptogether?
New Year's? Who invited who? Valentine's? Who asked who into whose bed?
I did, but...
You seek me out.
Something deep in your soul calls out to me like afoghorn.
Janice, Janice.
You want me. You need me.
You can't live without me.
And you know it.
You just don't know you know it.
See ya.
Call me!
It's not true.I never called your mother a wolverine.
You did so.I swear, I swear—
How longhas she been in the bathroom?
Uh, I don't think she's in the bathroom.Her coat is gone.
Well maybe it's cold in there.
Or maybe I screwed up the first date I hadin 9 years.
That could be it.
Oh, god. You know, this is still pretty hot.
Mushroom.
Smile. They won't all be like this. Some women might even staythrough dinner. Sorry, that's not funny
No, it's just you know the whole "getting on with your life" thing.
Well, do I have to?
I mean, I'm sitting here with this cute woman,
and, and, and she's perfectly nice, and, but that there's, that's it.
And um, and then I'm here talkin'to you,
and, and it's easy, and it's fun,and, and I don't, I don't have to.
You know,
here's a wacky thought.
Um, what's say you and I give it another shot?
No no no, I knowwhat you're gonna say, you're a lesbian.
But what do you say we just put that aside fornow you know?
Let's just stick a pin in it, ok?
Because, we're great together, you know.You can't deny it.
Besides, you're carrying my baby.
I mean, how perfect is that?But see,
you know, you keep sayin' that, but there's somethin' right here.I love you.
Oh, I love you too. But...
No but, no but.
You know that thing you put over here with the pin in it?
It's time to take the pin out.
You'll find someone, I know you will.The right woman is just waiting for you.
That's easy for you to say, you found one already.
All you need is a woman who likes men and you'll be set.
Not her.
We get off around midnight, why don't we pick you up then?
So, um, will you bring the truck?
I'll even let you ring the bell.
Oh, my god.
See, there you go, the cleansing works!
They're nice guys.
Oh, they're firemen guys.
You guys tell them you were married?
No way!
Are you kidding?My girlfriend doesn't know, I'm not gonna tellthem!